Abuse ZSH Parameter Expansion to Expand GNU-Style Arguments (blogspot.com)
This method offers exactly one benefit: the target platform I was working with for this project was mingw under Windows and, like WSL1, it had this very painful performance issue when a shell had to create a sub-shell -- basically, any time you $(run something) and that means "if your function returns anything except for an integer", it's going to have a serious cost to place that into a variable the convenient way.